The Best Test of Leadership

As we enter 2012, a year for our presidential election, we will be deluged with daily details about various candidates for a variety of offices. Our minds may turn to the idea of leadership, or the lack of leadership, as the case may be.

The reality of leadership is that it begins within the individual, and that means you. And me. Yes, you—the person in the mirror. That's where the buck truly stops, and leadership truly begins. This could be a discomforting thought, or it could be a first step towards personal freedom and more.

Leadership lies not in the heart of any particular organization or political persuasion, but instead emerges from the core of each individual. Leadership corresponds to personal passion and empowering others to find their own purpose.

Thankfully, leadership is not dependent on a body of elected officials or other organizations. Leadership resides in the individual choosing and endeavoring to follow a path that aligns principles, values, and the needs of others.

Leadership is not a contained global vision. Leaders use their individuality and imaginations to envision a common goal and find a path for others to follow.

Leadership cannot be found in a pep rally. It emerges not from frenzied hurrahs but from an individual conscience desiring to model a life well-lived with self-respect and respect for others.

There are many definitions of leadership. Stephen Covey says, "Leadership is communicating to people their worth and potential so clearly that they come to see it in themselves." Peter Drucker said, "The only definition of a leader is someone who has followers." John Maxwell says, "Leadership is influence—nothing more, nothing less." It all begins by leading yourself, seeing your own worth and potential, following your own directives, and influencing your behavior.

Too often the terms leadership and management are used interchangeably. Leadership is about doing the right things. Management is about doing things right. Leadership is about dealing with change. Management is about changing the deal. Leadership chooses where we are going. Management plans when and how we will arrive.

To be effective leaders we must know how to effectively lead and manage. Without leadership, we manage the wrong things. Without management we never move our vision ahead.

As parents and teachers—the leaders of our children—we must instill a vision into our families of each member’s worth and potential. As leaders we must be disciplined and willing to sacrifice for that vision. When times get tough we must take our passion, our discipline and our commitment to see our vision through.

Building family is the best test of leadership.

If we fail our children through lack of leadership, even if we accomplish our goals in other parts of our life, we may find that those achievements never fulfill us in the joyful way that building family does.

Making small adjustments to our daily lives in terms of our vision, passion, discipline and conscience can have payback in ways that will appear amazing in a generation. Building family builds a better world.

Over the next few weeks these Kids Talk columns will focus on the mental, physical, emotional and social aspects of leadership. For the sake of our children, I challenge you to become a leader.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world."

Next week: Leaders Innovate


About Kids Talk™

Kids Talk™ is an award-winning newspaper column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Contact her via e-mail at maren@kidstalknews.com. Read column archives at www.KidsTalkNews.com. 

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk. Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here: Click here for a FREE subscription.

About Maren Schmidt Maren Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland. She has over 25 years experience working with children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is author of Building Cathedrals Not Walls: Essays for Parents and Teachers as well as Understanding Montessori: A Guide for Parents.

©2012 KIDS TALK™

25877 East Bright Avenue

Welches, OR 97067

503.550.3143

maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Three Ways to Change Behavior

"Lisa is so different from Grace. Grace never broke anything when she was this age. Lisa breaks something every day," Meg told me at our playgroup with our one-year olds.

Meg, a long-time friend, was over 30 when she had her first child. Five-year-old Grace lived up to her name. Grace was gentle and content to look at Meg's extensive collection of family crystal and European figurines. Lisa, on the other hand, as soon as she could crawl, banged glass top tables and pulled expensive porcelain off shelves.

Meg and Dave's antique-filled home was being assaulted and devalued daily by Lisa’s antics. Meg perceived it as misbehavior and was becoming increasingly short tempered with Lisa. Grace had not touched things. What was Lisa’s problem?

From information gleaned at a recent parenting class, I shared with Meg the idea of changing our children’s behavior using three maxims: Change our rules, change our environment, and change our attitude.

First, we can change the rules to change behavior. In Meg's case, her rule was "Don't touch mommy's things." Meg might have changed the rule to only touch objects with permission. Meg could have given lessons on how to handle a fragile object or how to look at an object using your eyes only, with your hands clasped firmly behind your back.

Secondly, we can change the environment to change behavior. To most of us, it might be obvious that Meg needed to move her collectibles safely out of reach and get rid of her glasstop tables or put pads on them. Meg hadn't thought of that solution since she had grown up with her mother's extensive collection, and her older daughter hadn’t bothered items.

Thirdly, we can change our attitude about the behavior. Meg had perhaps an unrealistic perception of children and home décor. Meg could decide that some precious objects are going to get broken by children, and not to get upset about it. Or change her attitude to reflect Lisa's behavior as normally curious. Meg might also change her attitude about how a house should look. With small children, we might have to forgo our vision of House Beautiful.

In hopes of giving her a few ideas, I invited Meg over to my house to see our child-friendly changes. Photos and unbreakable art objects were on the lower shelves of our bookcases and end tables. Our glass-topped tables had been removed.

Meg used a combination of these three maxims to change Lisa's behavior. Meg changed the rules by taking time with Lisa and showing her how to handle a delicate object, and how to only look at an object. Instead of "Don't touch," Meg said, "Look."

Meg changed the environment by putting objects out of Lisa's climb and reach zone. Meg moved furniture and added child-friendly accessories of baskets, woodcarvings and quilts, so that Lisa could practice her skill at handling objects carefully.

Meg also changed her attitude. She realized that Lisa was very different from her and needed more exploration, movement and training in order to be comfortable in the house. Meg realized that her relationship with her daughter was more important than her collections, and packed most pieces away. 

When Meg changed her rules, her environment and her attitude, Meg and Dave's home became peaceful, and Meg enjoyed her time with Lisa and Grace.

Next time: The Best Test of Leadership

About Kids Talk™

Kids Talk™ is an award-winning newspaper column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Contact her via e-mail at maren@kidstalknews.com. Read column archives at www.KidsTalkNews.com. 

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk. Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here: Click here for a FREE subscription.

About Maren Schmidt Maren Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland. She has over 25 years experience working with children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is author of Building Cathedrals Not Walls: Essays for Parents and Teachers as well as Understanding Montessori: A Guide for Parents.

©2012 KIDS TALK™

25877 East Bright Avenue

Welches, OR 97067

503.550.3143

maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Creating Clear Expectations for Our Children

"Last night Dustin asked me what rules we had at home. I'm embarrassed to say that I didn't have a ready answer. Dustin told me, 'At school we have these rules, Mommy. Choose your work. Don't touch anybody's work. Work at a rug or table. And put your work away when you're finished.' See, even I can remember them. I'd like to be that clear-cut about behavior at home," Anne said.

Anne, parent of a three-year-old in my classroom, saw the benefits of having clear structure and expectations. Many of us experience difficulty in explaining the boundaries to children, and tend to do so only after becoming angry or upset when a child oversteps an undefined boundary. We can see certain behavior as obvious and never think to set the limits, just as in "Don’t stick beans in your ears." One of my professors said, "Remember that children are new beings on this planet. Explain and be as patient with them as you would with E.T."

Dealing with children (and other people) may feel as frustrating at times as working with creatures from another planet. Much of our annoyance revolves around stating the obvious over and over again. Repetition is how children learn, so it’s not annoying or frustrating to them, and in fact, is necessary.

Clarifying our expectations for behavior can come out of our completing three phrases: 1. This is how I feel. 2. This is what I want. 3. These are the rules.

Making these three lists will lead you to establish boundaries, maintain discipline, teach self-control, instill respect for others, model moral values, and also promote independence and accountability in the child. Did I forget anything?

Anne spent some time over the next week completing these lists. She kept them on the refrigerator and added to them when something came to mind. At the end of the week, her lists looked something like this:

This is how I feel
Grumpy when the house is messy
Angry when Dustin is disrespectful
Tired when I don't have time for myself
Happy when we do things as a family
Frustrated when we run late for school, etc.
Stressed when I worry about money

This is what I want 
A happy home
To be kind and loving
To have time to be a mom
To have time to be a wife
To have time to be myself
To raise Dustin to be kind, loving and respectful of others


These are the rules
Be kind. No mean words.
Be ready to go.
Have fun every day.
Stick to our budget.
Put your things away when you're finished.
(Anne liked this school rule.)

Anne shared her list with her husband, Fred, and got his opinion on the clear expectations she was trying to create for Dustin and their family. Fred was concerned that the list was perhaps simplistic, but he was willing to try using these rules to help Dustin see what was important.

Anne discovered that making statements from her list out loud, such as, "I like doing things as a family," or, "I feel grumpy because dinner's late," helped make expected behavior clear. One morning Dustin told his dad, "Try to be home on time for dinner. Mommy gets grumpy when dinner is late."

As Anne told me, "Those three phrases have helped me communicate my expectations for our family. The more I use them, the easier it becomes for all of us to communicate how we want our family life to work."

Happy parenting!

Next week: Three Ways to Change Behavior

About Kids Talk™

Kids Talk™ is an award-winning newspaper column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Contact her via e-mail at maren@kidstalknews.com. Read column archives at www.KidsTalkNews.com. 

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk. Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here: Click here for a FREE subscription.

About Maren Schmidt Maren Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland. She has over 25 years experience working with children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is author of Building Cathedrals Not Walls: Essays for Parents and Teachers as well as Understanding Montessori: A Guide for Parents.

©2011 KIDS TALK™

25877 East Bright Avenue

Welches, OR 97067

503.550.3143

maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Providing Structure in the Life of a Child

Dr. Robert Shaw in his book, The Epidemic, tells us that there are two "emotional vitamins" we can provide for our children: clear structure and clear expectations. How do we go about giving our children these two important items? This week we'll explore how to create a clear structure, and next week we'll look at creating expectations.

Why does a child need clear structure? An environment with transparent organization provides the child with an element of protection--protection from physical and psychological abuse. It also provides a framework of adequate challenges for individual development.

Providing clear structure in our homes and schools involves three basic elements: physical, order and human.

The physical aspect of structure allows a child to know that they have a place of their own to live and work. The physical elements communicate to the child that they belong. Child-sized tables, chairs and activities allow children a certain dignity. Cleanliness, light, fresh air, and temperature also communicate an important sense of place. Movement is allowed, and the consequences of movement are considered. The limits to the child's space are well defined.

The importance of the physical aspect is probably best seen in its absence. A college friend was 6'8". A classroom we meet in had 7-foot ceilings and the standard college student desks. Steve contorted himself into the desks, tried to avoid hitting his head on the door jams and ceiling fans. Steve stooped to write on the chalkboard. To pull off a sweater, Steve bent over so his arms wouldn't hit the ceiling. Our children deal with similar discomforts for many years in an oversized world.

The aspect of order might be summed up as "a place for everything and everything in its place." Order might seem obvious to organized people. Kitchen items in the kitchen. Garage items in the garage. Material is grouped by area and sequence, and areas are defined for different activities. We eat at the table. We do watercolors in the kitchen and not the living room. There is order in each activity. Wash your hands before you eat. Put your napkin on your lap. Carry your plate to the kitchen after you eat. There is order in the sequence of activities. At bedtime we brush our teeth, put on our pajamas, read a story, go to the bathroom, say our prayers, turn off the lights and kiss goodnight. There is order in the life of the group. We go to school and work on Monday through Friday. On Saturdays we run errands and play. On Sunday we go to church and read the color comics. The order must be respected and understood by adults in order to provide an unambiguous organization to the child.

Structure for the child also has a human dimension that includes adults and children. The adult's role in providing structure is to direct the child's activities and to prepare those activities. In these activities, the adult needs to respect the child as a fellow human being. The adult also observes the child's interaction with the world and looks for the aspects of concentration and independence the child exhibits. As adults, we protect the few rules of basic order for the child, and we keep the environment clean and neat. Activities for the child are accessible and are in good working order. We model what it means to be an adult by being careful of our appearance, keeping healthy and rested, along with staying interesting to the child by pursuing our own interests.

The child's role in this structured environment is to self-construct an adult. An amazing feat. We assist the child in providing as unambiguous a system as we can, so that the child can become an adult with an "eye that sees, a soul that feels and a hand that obeys."

Clear structure is a large vitamin to concoct, but worth the time and effort. Creating a well-defined organization for our children will help us avoid a few "pills."

Next Week: Creating Clear Expectations

The Epidemic: The Rot of American Culture, Absentee and Permissive Parenting, and the Resultant Plague of Joyless, Selfish Children

by Robert Shaw by Harper

Hardcover ~ Release Date: 2003-09-23

List Price: $24.95

Our Price: $3.49

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About Kids Talk™ Kids Talk™ is an award-winning newspaper column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Contact her via e-mail at maren@kidstalknews.com. Read column archives at www.KidsTalkNews.com.  Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk. Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here: Click here for a FREE subscription. About Maren Schmidt Maren Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland. She has over 25 years experience working with children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is author of Building Cathedrals Not Walls: Essays for Parents and Teachers as well as Understanding Montessori: A Guide for Parents. ©2011 KIDS TALK™ 25877 East Bright Avenue Welches, OR 97067 503.550.3143 maren@kidstalknews.com Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

The Prepared Environment

"Pretend that you just found out that you'll have to be in a wheelchair for a year, possibly longer. What adjustment would you have to make to your home to accommodate this change? This week crawl around your house, through every room, and make a list of changes that you would make. That's your homework. See you next week."

Off I went on my hands and knees, antennae up. The things we do as parents. As I crawled, though, I developed some insight into what it might be like to be small and not able to take care of myself.

On the floor, it was not pretty. My kitchen was a dark canyon, with workspace out of reach. Food and dishes were in the upper cabinets. The refrigerator was inaccessible. Unless I tilted my head way back, there was nothing attractive to see. All my favorite art posters looked distorted from this vantage point.

The dining room was a forest of chair legs. The living room was easier to maneuver, but the couches and chairs were impossible to climb into without standing up. The coffee table and end tables were at a dangerous and eye-poking height.

In the bedroom, I couldn't get into bed by myself. I couldn't open my dresser or the closet doors. In the bathroom, I couldn't climb onto the toilet, reach the sink, or easily get into the bathtub, much less adjust the showerhead. I snagged my pants on the transition piece between the bathroom and hallway.

Negotiating the steps to the garage was treacherous. The trip was rough and dusty, and my hands, along with my clothes, got filthy. The stairs off our wood deck were steep and full of splinters.

Dirty. That was my overall impression of crawling around. With weekly cleaning, I considered my home to be tidy. On my four-legged journey, I discovered grimy lower cabinets, crumbs in the corners, fuzz balls, scribbling under the dining room table (which still surprises me to this day) and splattered windows.

The only objects of interest on this expedition were a bowl and magazines on the coffee table. Pictures and mirrors were hung too high to have any esthetic impact. Doorknobs and light switches were unreachable. The floor was cold, and the thermostat might as well been on Mt. Everest. Food and drink were invisible. In my home, I discovered a lowland where I wouldn't want to live. My children were going to spend many years in this land under the table.

Our next parenting session focused on preparing a child-friendly environment. Crawling along four months pregnant with our second daughter opened my eyes about creating a special place for our children. A child-friendly environment would give my children a home where they could live in dignity and tranquility while learning to manage independently on their own, along with having their own space to work and have meaningful experiences. Experiences beyond finding fuzz balls in the corners.

My husband and I moved the dishes in the kitchen to lower cabinets and found a shelf for snacks. We installed a bottled water dispenser, so our toddler could get her own water easily. We put a small table with chairs in our kitchen and set up a low shelf with puzzles, blocks and other activities.

In the living room we removed the sharp-cornered tables and found a Japanese-style square coffee table. We added floor pillows, lowered our artwork, put extenders on our light switches and added interesting touchable items to the room, such as woodcarvings and baskets of dominoes and wooden blocks.

In the bathroom we added a plastic stepstool that our one-year-old could move to wash her hands, and later brush her teeth and reach the toilet.

In the girls' bedroom, we placed a twin mattress on the floor. We bought a light comforter, so Dana could learn to make the bed herself. We removed the closet doors and added lower shelving and rods, so the girls could hang up their own clothes and dress themselves.
Of course, we also childproofed cabinets, electrical outlets and moved the "untouchables" to higher cabinets or closets.

These are a few of the efforts we made to prepare a home for our daughters, now in their twenties and in their own homes. To paraphrase a Zen proverb: The journey of a thousand smiles begins with a single crawl.

Next Week: Providing Structure in the Life of a Child

About Kids Talk™

Kids Talk™ is an award-winning newspaper column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland. She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. Contact her via e-mail at maren@kidstalknews.com. Read column archives at www.KidsTalkNews.com. 

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk. Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here: Click here for a FREE subscription.

About Maren Schmidt Maren Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland. She has over 25 years experience working with children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland. She is author of Building Cathedrals Not Walls: Essays for Parents and Teachers as well as Understanding Montessori: A Guide for Parents.

©2011 KIDS TALK™

25877 East Bright Avenue

Welches, OR 97067

503.550.3143

maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Don't Be a Dolt

"I can't tell you 'cause you're a dolt." Kenny said through his sniffles.

"A dolt?" I thought. What did I do to be called a dolt by a kindergartner in my Sunday school class? I took a deep breath and ventured into unknown territory.

"Kenny, what do you mean, a dolt?"

"You know, a grown-up."

"Oh, I see. An adult." That was a relief.

"Mike said if I told a dolt, it would be tattling, and then he'd really pinch me."

Our Sunday school group was walking back from the Children's Sermon portion of the service when Kenny had burst into tears. Kenny and I were talking in the hallway while my co-teacher took the rest of the group into our classroom for a snack.

 

I was down on my knees, eye level with Kenny. This looked like an "active listening" moment.

 

Active listening is a set of skills that allows adults to help a child handle the child's own problems. Active listening is called for in situations in which the child owns the problem, or in which the child and the adult share responsibility.

 

The following five skills are involved in active listening:

1. Listen actively. Be all ears, and restate what you understand.

2. Listen for content.

3. Connect feeling to content.

4. Look for alternatives and/or predict consequences.

5. Follow up.

"So you're upset and hurt because Mike pinched you?" I asked.

 

"He pinches me every Sunday in church. Mike says, 'Bet I can make you squirm.'" Kenny's upper lip quivered.

"Mike is pinching you in church trying to get you to misbehave."

"He's supposed to be my friend," Kenny hiccupped.

"It feels bad when a friend tries to get you to do the wrong thing."

Kenny nodded. "Please don't tell Mike. He said if I tattled he wouldn't be my friend."

"Would you like me to make sure that Mike doesn't sit next to you during the children's sermon?" I asked.

"But he's my friend."

"Is there something else we can try, so he won't bother you?"

 

Kenny looked straight at me. "I think I need to tell him to stop. That it's not okay to pinch me."

 

"Would you like me to be there when you tell Mike?"

"No, but I think I'll tell my mom." Kenny wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.

 

"Kenny, let me know how it goes when you tell Mike that it's not okay to pinch you."

"Okay. I'm ready for cookies." Kenny turned and walked into the room.

Since Kenny and I shared responsibility for his situation, I listened and kept his confidence from Mike. From my end, as an adult, I took the responsibility to make sure that Kenny felt safe. I visited with Kenny's and Mike's mothers about the situation. I mailed Mike a note telling him that friends used their hands to help other people, and I mentioned ways I had seen him help.

Active listening helps keep communication open and can assist us from reacting with some of the following responses:

1. Commanding. "Stop the crying, Kenny."

2. Give advice. "Just don't sit by Mike."

3. Placate or distract. "Go have a cookie--two cookies."

4. Moralize. "I'll tell Mike that is wrong."

5. Use sarcasm. "Aren't you a crybaby."

6. Act like a know-it-all. "Just tell Mike to stop it."

7. Play psychologist. "Mike's having some problems right now."

These kinds of responses can block communication and not help the child learn to solve the problem independently. Don't be a dolt. Practice active listening.

Next week: The Prepared Environment

About Kids Talk™

Kids Talk™ is an award-winning newspaper column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Contact her via e-mail at maren@kidstalknews.com. Read column archives at www.KidsTalkNews.com. 

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk. Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here: Click here for a FREE subscription.

About Maren Schmidt Maren Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland. She has over 25 years experience working with children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is author of Building Cathedrals Not Walls: Essays for Parents and Teachers as well as Understanding Montessori: A Guide for Parents.

©2011 KIDS TALK™

25877 East Bright Avenue

Welches, OR 97067

503.550.3143

maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Freedom within Limits of Responsibility

Freedom and responsibility are linked together. We are free to act when we have the right and also take responsibility. For example, in our society, we have the right to drive a car. We exercise this privilege to drive by taking the responsibility to learn how to drive, get a license, have a car and the financial obligations that ensue. Then, we have the freedom to drive.

Understanding the relationship between freedom and responsibility can be a difficult one. When we are 14, freedom dreams of driving a red Mercedes convertible down the road at 120 mph, the wind flying. By 30, we know exactly the costs of that freedom in terms of responsibility. The freedom to drive our dream car takes significant responsibility.

Exercising our right to drive, by assuming responsibility for that privilege, allows us the freedom to drive. Maybe not a two-door roadster, but the freedom to drive.

In our country, we have many rights. In America, at 16 we have the right to drive a car. We must assume the corresponding responsibilities of taking care of a car, getting a license, driving carefully as to not harm others or ourselves, and be willing to pay if we cause damage.

We have the right. We take the responsibility. We receive the freedom. In mathematical terms: Rights + Responsibilities = Freedoms.

As parents and teachers, we fail our children when we allow them freedoms without requiring the necessary responsibilities to obtain that freedom. When we confuse rights and freedoms, we neglect to teach our children how to obtain and keep freedoms.

As effective parents, we limit the freedoms we give our children, enlarging them as our children develop more responsibility. If a freedom is extended before the corresponding responsibility has been established within the life of a child, we place the child at high risk for failure. If we give children cars before they know how to drive, before they understand the cost of money, before they are aware of how their actions can affect others, we invite failure, expensive accidents, serious injury and death.

We want to assure success for our children. To be responsible we need to help our children learn to "respond with ability." As we observe our children developing abilities, we can offer corresponding freedoms.

For the young child, we limit their freedoms, for example, by not allowing them to go outdoors alone. Once our children show us that they will stay in the yard, wear appropriate clothing, and not endanger themselves by climbing the fence, etc., then we might enlarge their freedoms to include going outside by themselves with our permission.

As the child over the age of six begins to explore the world around him, the issues of freedom and responsibility are many times at the core of power struggles; the child desires a freedom, but lacks the responsible skills to be able to have the freedom. By teaching the skills necessary for the freedom, we can help the child. In other cases, the child might be responsible and we do not allow the freedom, because we consider the child too young. A power struggle ensues. Conflict is created by not allowing responsibility and freedom to follow each other.

For the adolescent, there are times when a freedom has been granted and the responsibility is shrugged. For example there may be a teenager who has earned the freedom to drive the car but gets a speeding ticket or leaves the gas tank empty. The freedom has to be taken away and then re-earned.

The consequence of neglecting a responsibility should correspond to the freedom that flows from it. The freedom to have friends over to spend the night might correspond to the responsibility to help with household chores, or getting schoolwork completed.
The freedom to play with your toys comes from playing with them safely and properly or putting them away correctly.

The freedom to have dessert comes from helping with dinner, brushing your teeth without being told, or eating for proper nutrition.

The freedom to go to a movie comes from taking care of your chores, being respectful of others.

If you are in conflict with your child over desired freedoms, determine if responsibilities match the freedoms requested. If not, sit down and plan with your child (even a three-year-old) how to develop responsibilities that lead to freedom.

Freedom is limited by the ability to respond to a right or privilege. Wise parents limit and give freedom based on the observable abilities of their children. When we understand rights, responsibilities and freedoms, our children will learn to respond with ability, earning freedoms that lead to independence.

Next week: Don't Be a Dolt

About Kids Talk™

Kids Talk™ is an award-winning newspaper column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Contact her via e-mail at maren@kidstalknews.com. Read column archives at www.KidsTalkNews.com. 

Ask your local newspaper to carry Kids Talk. Call, write or e-mail your local newspaper editor and recommend Kids Talk. Would you like to send Kids Talk to friends and family or receive Kids Talk e-mail updates in your own inbox? Sign up for FREE here: Click here for a FREE subscription.

About Maren Schmidt Maren Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland. She has over 25 years experience working with children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is author of Building Cathedrals Not Walls: Essays for Parents and Teachers as well as Understanding Montessori: A Guide for Parents.

©2011 KIDS TALK™

25877 East Bright Avenue

Welches, OR 97067

503.550.3143

maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing