What can we as parents do to help make life a little smoother? Conflict is not necessarily a bad thing. How we are taught to handle conflict and come to win/win agreements is perhaps vital for a two-year-old. Children who have the best conflict resolution skills at home carry those abilities to school, the workplace and into later life. Siblings, also, may be our true partners in life, as we maintain relationships to the end of our lives.
Much of our younger children's conflicts has to do with getting parents' attention. Our children want and need our love, time and attention. Even though we try to be fair, our children's perspective can be very different from ours. You can give children identical T-shirts in different colors, and you might hear, "But she got the red one!" And from the person who got the red shirt, "But she got the blue one!"
Situations like this T-shirt example are ones where we can step back and let our children sort it out. If they both really wanted the other color, they'll negotiate and trade without our interference. On the other hand, if the conflict is about getting our attention, they'll calm down and be happy with the gift if we don't enter the conflict and try to sort it out for them.
Most of the time we can and should step back and not get sucked up into the turmoil. One of my strategies with my daughters was the "time-out." When bickering got to a boiling point, I'd call a "time-out" using a football hand signal along with humorous body language, and we'd all go to the couch. I'd say something like, "Okay. Let's take a deep breath. I am your mother who loves you more than anything else on this planet. You are sisters who love each other. Let's think about that silently for two minutes before another word is said."
I'd sit in the middle with an arm around each daughter, and usually the conflict calmed down to a manageable level, or perhaps was forgotten altogether. A bit of humor and connection to love helped calm the waters.
It is wise to watch our young children in their negotiations. The conflict may get physical, and our first response may be to jump up, separate kids and send them to their rooms. As long as the physical contact is not dangerous, stand back. Intervene as a last resort. Our two-year-olds with their physical contact are learning that their bodies can hurt each other, and usually after a scuffle or two they'll begin to use words to negotiate upsets.
Learning to choose words will come from our conscious teaching of skills when there is no conflict occurring. Five-step problem solving is one of the key skills that we should teach our children. To learn about five-step problem solving, visit http://www.kidstalknews.com/2005/07/five-steps-to-problem-solving-with.html.
Next week: Step by Step for a Clean Room
About Kids Talk™
About Maren Schmidt Maren Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.She has over 25 years experience working with children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland. She is author of Building Cathedrals Not Walls: Essays for Parents and Teachers as well as Understanding Montessori: A Guide for Parents. |
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