How is self-control established? Let's look at the young child's brain. Our brains are perhaps best viewed as three or four brains in one.
Our reptilian brain (cerebellum) takes in all sensory information and handles issues of basic survival, instincts and nonverbal communication, as well as autonomous body functions. If the reptilian brain senses a threat to our safety, instinct for fight or flight takes over our thinking.
The next brain is the old-mammalian or limbic system, referred to also as our emotional brain. If the reptilian brain senses a threat, the limbic system is flooded with cortisol, a stress hormone, and the ability to tap into the thinking part of our brains, the neo-cortex (or new mammalian brain), is short circuited. The amygdala, the part of the limbic system that regulates emotion and allows us to reach into our memory and previous learning, shuts down.
When the reptilian brain senses that life is safe and calm, the limbic system is flooded with a different kind of neurotransmitter, GABA (gamma-aminobutrylic acid), which allows the limbic system to connect with the neo-cortex, allowing the connection to the prefrontal lobes, the place where the executive functions of planning, decision making and understanding consequences happen.
In order to learn effectively and control our impulses, the reptilian, the old-mammalian, the new mammalian and the prefrontal cortex need to be in a state of calm.
For a two-year-old, the reptilian and old mammalian brain are the most active, with the new mammalian brain getting more function as language and experience develops.
The three-year-old with good language skills begins to be able to tap into the prefrontal cortex and to begin thinking ahead and planning.
The two-year-old is happily playing with some blocks when the three-year-old big sister comes and knocks them down. Since the neo-cortex is not highly active in the two-year-old, the emotional and reptilian brain reacts instinctually. A hit. A push. A scream. The two-year-old body is awash with stress hormones that shut off the possibility of logical thought, or learning from the situation.
It is the adult who must act as the neo-cortex and the prefrontal cortex for the child by removing the child from the situation in a calm way until the stress hormones can calm and the reptilian brain senses safety again.
As language becomes stronger in the older child, we can use language to help call the different brain functions and to help develop the prefrontal cortex. After the children involved in an incident have calmed down, we can discuss what happened. To gather details we can ask what happened. We can name the feelings. We can offer alternatives. We can offer a dress rehearsal with role-playing.
Let's take our block-building incident. After some time to calm known, we ask what happened. For the two-year-old, we ask yes/no questions that can be answered nonverbally with a nod or shake of the head.
Tell the story. As we gather details, we tell the story. "Sam was playing with the blocks and had built a tower. Brett came over and knocked down the tower. Sam got hit in the head with a block. That hurt. Sam bit Brett. That hurt. Brett hit Sam. That hurt. I took Sam to sit with me in the rocking chair.”
Give the feelings a name. To help connect the emotional brain with the neo-cortex, name the emotions. "I feel sad that Sam and Brett got hurt. Sam, you look sad. Brett, you look sad."
Come up with alternatives. "What could we do differently? We need to be kind to each other and not bother other people's things or activities. If Brett wanted to knock down a tower, he should build his own. If Brett bothers your things or activity, instead of biting or hitting, you could say, Stop. Can you say--Stop, please? Doing your own activity is a better choice. Saying stop is a better choice than hurting someone."
Practice. "Let's practice. I'm building a tower, and Brett wants to knock it down. Brett, what could you do instead? Sam, what could I say to Brett? Yes--Stop, please. Using our words is a better choice that hurting each other."
Until our children's brains and bodies calm, the amygdala makes them do it. Be your child's prefrontal cortex until then.
Next week: Using Love Pats
About Kids Talk™
About Maren Schmidt
 Maren Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.
She
has over 25 years experience working with children and holds teaching
credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. Mrs.
Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education
from Loyola College in Maryland. She is author of Building Cathedrals Not Walls: Essays for Parents and Teachers as well as Understanding Montessori: A Guide for Parents.
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maren@kidstalknews.com
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