Maren Schmidt, M. Ed., Presents Kids Talk News

Leaders Lead

2012-05-19T08:00:00.000-05:00

Effective leaders empower the whole person to do the whole job of self-leadership and management. Epictetus said it well over two thousand years ago, “No man is free who is not master of himself.”

In order to help others help themselves, we have to engage their minds, bodies, heart and spirits. We must include them in the planning stages, the actual activity, and the evaluation process, thus creating a continuous loop of feedback, self-correction and empowerment. Engaging the whole person to do his or her best thinking, work, and analysis produces an attitude of the heart, an attitude of service to help others. This attitude of service in turn inspires leadership in others.

A few years ago I came across this school motto: Learn to live, live to love, love to learn. This expression seems to sum up our job as leaders. If we can help others learn how to live—have the knowledge, skills, and attitude for success, they will develop a love and appreciation that they will want to share. As they share their knowledge, skills and attitude they will take that love to increase their learning to continue and enlarge a cycle of success, from generation to generation.

Learn to live. Albert Einstein made a comment about learning and leadership, “I never teach my pupils; I only attempt to provide the conditions in which they can learn.” When we provide the conditions for learning—planning a place where growth is encouraged, be it home, school or business—we should allow choice of activity within limits of responsibility. For example for a three-year-old, perhaps we offer three tasks that need to be completed before bedtime. The order of completion is not important, and timing is not critical. For example, take a bath, brush your teeth, and put away your things. Until a child has the knowledge and skills to do those tasks, plus enthusiasm to the activities, the limit of responsibility falls to us as the adults in charge. As the child learns to do those tasks, then we enlarge the limits, so they become responsible to manage the tasks and have a system of evaluation that the tasks were done according to agreed upon standards. Yes, even a three-year old knows when they’ve done those tasks well, or not at all. And they also have ideas how they can do it better.

Live to love. Kahlil Gibran wrote, ‘”Work is love made visible.” As we do our daily activities with a confidence built on knowledge, skills and attitude, we love what we do, and we love to help others. As leaders, when we find ways to help others develop their independence and ability to follow through (concentration), our love is made visible, with an added bonus that the other person’s love is made visible through work they, in turn, love.

Love to learn. Isaac Asimov said, “I guess the essence of life for me is finding something you enjoy that gives meaning to life, and then being in a situation where you can do it.”
Asimov’s statement underlies this theme of learning to do something well enough in order to enjoy it, sharing it with others to give meaning to life, and finding opportunities to learn and grow more proficient in the process. Learn to live, live to love, love to learn.

Summary: When we practice a process of using our minds to plan and choose our activities, our bodies to work and follow through with our ideas and commitments, our hearts to evaluate and elevate our work, and our spirits to serve others, we learn to lead and leave a legacy…of leaders. Leaders lead. Lead on!

About Kids Talk™

Kids Talk™ is an award-winning newspaper column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Contact her via e-mail at maren@kidstalknews.com. Read column archives at www.KidsTalkNews.com.

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About Maren Schmidt

Maren Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is author of Building Cathedrals Not Walls: Essays for Parents and Teachers as well as Understanding Montessori: A Guide for Parents.

25877 East Bright Avenue

Welches, OR 97067

503.550.3143

maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Leaders Are Committed

2012-05-05T08:00:00.000-05:00

Peter Drucker, one of the greatest management minds of our time, wrote that with a few hundred years' perspective, historians may view our time as one of “unprecedented change in the human condition. For the first time--literally--substantial and rapidly growing numbers of people have choices. For the first time, they will have to manage themselves. And society is totally unprepared for it.”

As leaders we need a commitment to help others learn to lead and to manage themselves. Your leadership is vital because, as Drucker stated, we are totally unprepared for the changes we are experiencing today.

The best way to get people to learn is to turn them into teachers. As a teacher, I know I truly begin to master material as I ready myself to teach it to others. As leaders, we have to teach others what we learn, and we have to systematically apply what we learn to be able to do it, and then teach some more.

As in the old saying “Do as I say, not as I do,” most of us know what to do, but we don’t heed our advice. To know something and not do it, is really not knowing in the final analysis. We can’t sit on the couch and quarterback. We have to do. Effective leadership requires that we walk our talk. With a commitment to developing knowledge, skills and attitudes we create a habit of leadership, one of walking our talk, one of knowing, and of doing.

Commitment builds on the foundation of understanding our mission and values. Effective leaders know where they are headed and why. In order to assure success, leaders’ goals and objectives align with their mission and values. Weekly activities are planned by focusing on mission and values, along with goals and objectives. Our leadership compass of mission, values, goals, objectives and weekly plans should inform our daily activities. Leading with commitment and clarity makes saying “no” to an activity that doesn’t match our leadership compass easy. Or at least easier.

What does a leadership compass look like for a parent leader? The combinations will be as varied as the number of people on this planet, but some common themes emerge: commitment to problem solving within a family and marriage; commitment to helping each family member uncover and pursue their interests and potential with the resources available; commitment to personal values of that may include respect for the individual, kindness, compassion, self-regulation, forgiveness, gratitude, appreciation of beauty and excellence, creativity, curiosity, open-mindedness, love of learning, courage, fairness and more.

Our challenge is to empower the whole person to do the whole job of self-leadership and management. As we work with our children, this empowerment takes years to build with knowledge, skills and attitudes—work that we must commit to following through.

We can tell our children to make their beds. But we must make our own in a cheerful manner. We have to show our children how to make a bed, not once but seven times seven with an attitude of respect and dignity. Our job is to raise adults, not children, and that is the reason we commit as parent leaders.

Next week: Leaders Lead

About Kids Talk™

About Maren Schmidt

Maren Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

25877 East Bright Avenue

Welches, OR 97067

503.550.3143

maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Leaders Take Risks

2012-04-28T08:00:00.000-05:00

Our initial responsibility as leaders, no matter what field we are in, is to first do no harm. If we are going to be problem solvers and remove obstacles to a child’s development, we have to take risks. Change always involves the danger that what we do may not work, but change also creates the opportunity that our modifications may work better than we imagined. Our risk taking is calculated so that we give up something good to get something better.

The knowledge, skills and attitudes of a leader become critical as we endeavor to make changes. Have we listened carefully to those around us to truly understand needs and requests? Do we have the ability to respond to those needs? Can we take the responsibility? Can we bring enthusiasm and passion to our tasks? Do we have a clear vision in order to empower others to see their worth and potential?

We have three basic ways to affect change: We can change our attitude about a situation. We can change the rules that govern the situation. We can change the environment.

Change our attitude. Martin and Lela were frustrated that their four-year-old, Olivia, would not settle down for a 7:30 bedtime. Until after 9:30 every evening Olivia was up for a drink of water, jumping on the bed, surfing down the stairs on her stomach, and various other non-sleeping activities. Using a leadership idea of “ask more, talk less,” Martin and Lela decided to ask Olivia why she couldn’t get to sleep and how they might help her. Much to their surprise, Olivia suggested that they take a walk after dinner every night so Olivia could exercise. A thirty-minute walk around the neighborhood with flashlights in the cold seemed to be the antidote for their sleeping pill. Martin and Lela changed their attitude about what bedtime should look like. Risking what might happen if they let Olivia set the routine, created a situation that was a win/win. Olivia got tired enough to go to sleep. Lela and Martin got some exercise and energy for rest of their evening.

Change the rules. Pam and Pat, dealing with much the same situation with their four-year-old, Logan, took another tactic. After getting input from Logan, they decided to change his bedtime routine. Logan could turn off his new bedside lamp with the clap of his hands, empowering him to have more control over when he went to sleep. After a nighttime routine of brushing teeth, pajamas, story and prayers, Logan agreed to not get up from bed, but would read and listen to music until he was ready to sleep. Working with Logan to find a solution to bedtime problems, created new expectations. A clap of the hands changed bedtime for the better.

Change the environment. Jeff and Julie were getting more ragged every day as their sleep was disrupted by their daughter Morgan’s 2 am visits. Tucking Morgan into her own bed didn’t help her get back to sleep. Nobody got any sleep if Morgan got into bed with Jeff and Julie. In a parenting magazine, Julie came across the idea of putting a sleeping bag at the foot of their bed for Morgan. Morgan agreed to the idea of using the sleeping bag if she got up in the middle of the night. After a few more days of investigations, Jeff discovered that the air conditioner came on around 2 am each morning and blew cold air on a coverless Morgan. Moving Morgan’s bed and changing the thermostat to come on at a later time fixed Morgan nocturnal roaming.

Leadership requires that we take risks by changing our attitude, changing our rules, and changing our environment to help make life better for those around us--ourselves included.

Next week: Leaders Are Committed

About Kids Talk™

About Maren Schmidt

Maren Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

25877 East Bright Avenue

Welches, OR 97067

503.550.3143

maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Leaders Have Imagination

2012-04-21T08:00:00.000-05:00

Being an effective leader requires immense imagination. As leaders we must envision the person who is not yet there; the situation that has not arrived; the community that is to be formed.

As leaders we must imagine the human potential, and this is no small or easy task. We have to have vision and curiosity. We have to empower others to use their imaginations and find their way in the world to a life that only they can imagine. We have to imagine and believe that what we do is making a difference.

A recent story in The Oregonian about the founders of Sseko Designs highlights the imagination of leadership. About four years ago Liz Forkin Bohannon, not long out of college, decided to do a four-month trip to Uganda, to see what she could see. What she found through some volunteer work were college-bound girls unable to go to college due to not having the $5,000 a year to pay for tuition, and not having a way to earn the money. The opportunities were not there. Unimagined human potential being wasted.

Bohannon, not married at the time, thought that starting a charity might help. But a Ugandan friend suggested that finding the students work--helping them to help themselves--would be the way to go.

An idea of making a flip-flop type of sandal appeared along with three students who were struggling to raise college tuition. Bohannon made a commitment to the students that if they worked on this sandal-making project, she would guarantee the nearly $15,000 they needed for college.

The three students and Bohannon, now married with her husband on board with the challenge, made and sold enough sandals for the three to go off to college in 2009.

In 2011, Sseko Designs sold over 10,000 pair of Ugandan-made shoes, with 10 students working their way to college. One of the original three students is scheduled to graduate in a few months with a computer engineering degree.

Liz and Ben Bohannon, with their imagination of leadership, envisioned college graduates who could work their way to college and enrich their lives and communities with their experiences.

Leaders need imagination as they innovate, grow, listen, and respond with enthusiasm to the needs of the people around them.

Our challenge as parents, teachers and other adults is to see in a child an adult who is not yet there, to see an opportunity waiting to be discovered, and to envision a world we all will be making together.

Next week: Leaders Take Risks

About Kids Talk™

About Maren Schmidt

Maren Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

25877 East Bright Avenue

Welches, OR 97067

503.550.3143

maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Leaders Have Spirit

2012-04-08T07:24:00.000-05:00

One definition of spirit is “a particular mood or emotional state characterized by vigor and animation.” As leaders we need to have enthusiasm for the work we are doing, the people we are working with, and the place where we work and play. As parent leaders we model to our children what it means to be a healthy adult in body, heart, mind and spirit.

There are times when we will have to act more animated than we perhaps feel. Especially after being up all night with a sick child or not feeling at the top of our game ourselves. But enthusiasm is infectious, and a little bit can go a long way.

One of my twelve-year-old students took a manners and ballroom dancing class and memorized a set of guidelines for being a convivial guest. One of the rules that stuck in my mind was “enter into the spirit of the event.” If the event is a dance, get out there and boot and scoot. If it’s a costume party, dress up and act the part. If it’s an opera, study up a bit and become familiar with the storyline and libretto. And if it’s your life, what better advice could you have than “enter into the spirit of the event?”

No event to really bring out your enthusiasm? Dale Carnegie suggested that we practice acting enthusiastic by taking a week and exaggerating exuberance. Perhaps 100 times more than we actually feel. Carnegie recommended that we put 100 times for energy into our movements, our tone of voice, and our smiles on every topic for seven days. At the end of the week, what we should see is life and leadership appearing rosier and more rewarding, along with a habit of enthusiasm.

Things aren’t going well? Well, go fishing.

You make of heard of the fish market where they throw fish? At Pike Place Fish Market in Seattle a spirit of enthusiasm is key to the way this business is run. Stephen Lunlin wrote the book, Fish!, in order to explain Fish! Philosophy. Be There. Play. Make Their Day. Choose Your Attitude. Four interconnected practices for leadership.

Be There is about being totally present for the people around you. Being there sends a powerful message of respect—respect on which communication and relationships are built.

Play gives us permission to have fun, be creative, make mistakes and show our enthusiasm. Using the practice of play lets us play with ideas versus working on them, and helps us find creative solutions.
Make Their Day is a practice that focuses on finding simple ways to delight people in meaningful and memorable ways.

Choose Your Attitude helps us practice the idea of choosing how we will respond to whatever life throws at us. Our attitude affects not only ourselves, but everyone around us. Knowing we can choose our attitude helps us build the relationships we want.

Leaders have spirit and enthusiasm is contagious. Catch it!

Next week: Leaders Have Imagination

Fish! A Proven Way to Boost Morale and Improve Results

by Stephen C. Lundin by Hyperion

Hardcover ~ Release Date: 2000-03-08

List Price: $19.99

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About Kids Talk™

About Maren Schmidt

Maren Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

25877 East Bright Avenue

Welches, OR 97067

503.550.3143

maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Leaders Respond

2012-03-17T08:00:00.006-05:00

Responsibility. Think of responsibility as being able to respond with ability.

As leaders, if we are to respond with ability, we must have certain skills, knowledge and attitudes. We must cultivate a habit of enlarging, as well as focusing, vital attitudes, knowledge and skills. To know and not to do, is really not to know. Knowledge requires skills to be put into action with a "can-do" attitude.

If we are to shoulder the responsibility of being and becoming a leader, we have to be prepared to respond to the needs of those around us--ourselves included.

Understanding the needs of others requires that we first listen to gain accurate information about a person or group. What we think someone needs and what the person thinks he or she needs can be quite different. When we respond to a perceived need versus a real need, we can inadvertently create a situation where the person being helped may feel overpowered on one side, and powerless on the other.

We can learn and teach the skills, knowledge and attitudes necessary for responsibility by adhering to these two adages: 1) Help me help myself. 2) Any unnecessary help is a hindrance.

As we lead and help people grow, we should focus on their building of independence and concentration. A simple question to ask ourselves before any interaction: Is this going to help this person be more independent as well as strengthen their ability to bring intense mental focus to a situation? If the answer is yes to both these questions we will feel that we are on solid ground to move ahead.

Seven-year-old Tom wanted a beagle puppy. His mother, Janni, was not excited about the idea. At all. Janni saw herself as becoming the dog's main caregiver, and walking a dog in the snow and housebreaking weren't on her to-do list. Tom thought Janni's refusal to allow him a dog as unfair. Janni, though, came up with a solution to help Tom gain the independence and concentration to be a successful dog owner through developing his knowledge, skills and attitudes.

Janni asked Tom if he'd be willing to work to show that he had what it took to take care of a dog, warning Tom that it might take a year or more to learn what he needed to care for a dog. Janni gave Tom a three-foot ficus tree that he was responsible for keeping alive and growing for a year. For the next week, Janni talked about the needs of a plant: light, warmth, water and nutrients. They discussed pests, from aphids to rats, to wind and rain. Janni told Tom the plant was his, and she would not remind him to water or pay any attention to it. It was his responsibility.

Tom also was asked to walk the neighbor's dog everyday after school and on the weekends, and to make arrangements if he couldn't do it for some reason. Janni and Tom searched out books and videos about how to take care of a dog's needs, not just physically but mentally, emotionally and socially.

Over the course of a year, Tom developed the independence and focus to have the skills, knowledge and attitude to let his parents know that he would be able to care responsibly for his beagle, Toby. Janni's leadership created a win/win situation.

Next week: Leaders Have Spirit

About Kids Talk™

About Maren Schmidt

Maren Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

25877 East Bright Avenue

Welches, OR 97067

503.550.3143

maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Leaders Listen

2012-03-03T08:00:00.013-06:00

As we examine the leader in the mirror, we should see improvement and growth as we work to enlarge our sphere of influence by learning and practicing new skills based on principles that represent the people and causes we value most.

To grow as a leader we must have integrity, empathy, and critical thinking skills to create understanding. The Greeks called this set of skills ethos, pathos, and logos.

Ethos pertains to creating trust and confidence in others. Do we walk our talk? Do we keep our promises? Do we live a life guided by principles that others can clearly see?

Pathos is concerned with understanding another person's feelings, needs, and requests.

Logos involves the logical thinking skills to problem solve as well as implementing solutions.

The ancient Greeks saw the skills of ethos, pathos and logos as the pathway to developing a vibrant community with effective leadership. When we have and use ethos people trust us enough to tell us their true feelings, needs and requests in order to make their lives better. With pathos we become skilled listeners as we hear each person's point of view in order that we may try to figure out how to make life better for that person or organization—be it an organization of two or two thousand people. Using logos helps us possess the thinking skills to see the logical consequences and impact of making the changes requested.

If we try to short cut this process, we may see our efforts to effect change be met with resistance or rebellion.

The leadership step that most of want to jump over is usually the pathos, or listening step. Using pathos can seem to be time-consuming but when we listen effectively, the logos or problem-solving step seems to flow easily. When we do meet with resistance we have a signal that we need to listen again, and use those pathos skills.

As adults, we may desire to "fix" our children's problems without listening to their input about the situation. Not asking for input diminishes our ethical impact with our children. Children quickly sniff out insincerity. Not picking up on clues—verbal and non-verbal—tends to lower our credibility. Listening and asking the right questions is vital to our leadership.

George and Martha had grounded their eight-year-old son, Dennis, after hearing from neighbors that Dennis had been riding his bike on a busy street that was strictly off limits. George sent Dennis to his room, and he told Dennis that he would miss afterschool playtime for a week and that he wouldn't be able to ride his bike for a month. Day two of the punishment saw Dennis climbing out his bedroom window. Grounding was extended another week. Day three Dennis threw things in his room and yelled. Day four, Granddad Don appeared and asked Dennis if they could visit. Dennis reluctantly agreed and his grandfather began making an ethical appeal.

"Dennis, you know that as my grandson, you are one of the most important people in my world. When I see you having problems, I want to help you. So tell me, what kind of problems are you having?"

"Mom and Dad won't listen to me. They believe someone else instead of me. I'm just always in trouble."

Dennis' grandfather listened and only asked questions to clarify what Dennis was trying to communicate in terms of his feelings, needs and requests. He listened in order to hear Dennis' point of view. As he listened he learned that Dennis hadn't been on that street on that day, though Dennis had been on the street a few weeks earlier. "I just want my parents not to think it is always me when somebody does something wrong."

Granddad Don listened empathetically until Dennis defined his own problem and solution. Dennis asked his grandfather to confirm that Dennis was at a friend's house the day of the bike incident, and asked his granddad to communicate that to his parents. Later, Dennis with his granddad and parents explored ways to become more trustworthy.

Ethos, pathos and logos. Leadership skills that help others help themselves.

Next week: Leaders Respond

About Kids Talk™

About Maren Schmidt

Maren Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

25877 East Bright Avenue

Welches, OR 97067

503.550.3143

maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Leaders Grow

2012-02-18T08:00:00.015-06:00

Research shows that it takes a minimum of 10,000 hours of focused practice to become a master musician, artist, dancer…parent or leader.

One of the first steps in becoming a leader is realizing that proficiency requires a significant amount of time, commitment and dedication. How much time is 10,000 hours? Practice eight hours a day, and that figure translates to 1,250 days or about three-and-a-half years. That's assuming eight hours a day with a leadership attitude!

Your initial sphere of influence as a leader is small. Stretch out your arms horizontally to the floor, turn around, look in the mirror and there is your beginning sphere of influence. You. Your ideas, your thoughts, your actions, your habits, your character, your life. The most important person you will ever lead or influence is yourself. And the most difficult person? You guessed it. Yourself.

We grow our sphere of influence by asking a key question: What is the best thing I can do under these set of circumstances?

Leadership is a choice, not a position, and once we make the choice to lead and empower ourselves to direct our lives, we begin to enlarge our sphere of influence to include items of personal concern—our families, our friends, our jobs—that grow over time to include our community and the larger world.

Daily, as we ask the key question—What's the best thing to do?—we need to consider the level of initiative to use. Stephen Covey in The 8th Habit tells us of seven levels of initiative, the lowest being wait until told, then ask, make a recommendation, I intend to, do it and report immediately, do it and report periodically, and ending with do it. Perhaps using a child's development will help us gain insight into our personal growth.

Let's consider three-year-old Jacob who wants to help in the kitchen. At the first level, Jacob waits until he is told to do something and shown how to do it. Jacob learns to perform such tasks as setting the table, learning to slice fruits and vegetables, load the dishwasher, stir batter, and drop cookies onto a cookie sheet.

Even as a three-year-old Jacob would work through these seven levels of initiative as his skills grow. He'll ask to set the table. He might recommend setting the table differently. He could tell you he intends to set the table. Jacob could set the table and report back immediately, or periodically. At the final initiative level, Jacob would be independent and do it without being told, reminded or anything else. He would just do it.

Day by day, year by year, Jacob's skills and sphere of influence grow by learning new skills, practicing them, and discovering ways to use those skills to help himself and others. At some point, perhaps age nine, Jacob would have learned all the skills to independently prepare a family meal.

As adult leaders, we grow by asking ourselves continually, what it the best thing to do? We grow by understanding our skill levels and working each day to build proficiency. We understand our sphere of influence and maximize our work in that area. We use the seven levels of initiative to understand how to best approach each task in current circumstances.

As leaders, as we grow to know, the Serenity Prayer might guide us:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Next week: Leaders Listen

About Kids Talk™

About Maren Schmidt

Maren Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

25877 East Bright Avenue

Welches, OR 97067

503.550.3143

maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Leaders Innovate

2012-02-04T08:00:00.013-06:00

Making small adjustments in our lives in terms of vision, discipline, passion and conscience provide big payback on our leadership growth and abilities. Vision requires our mental skills of using imagination and curiosity. Discipline in turn uses our mind to control our physical challenges. Passion arrives when we find purpose in our lives. Conscience deals with matters of reason and free will.

Leaders innovate. They try new ideas. They listen to others' points of view. If something doesn't work, they try something else. Leaders don't have to be geniuses, but they put into action Einstein's advice of "We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."

As leaders of our families—the best test of leadership—we must have a compelling vision of what and how we want our family to be. If something is not working for our family, we don't have to follow patterns established by our parents, our jobs, our schools, our churches or our communities. We can innovate.

Our big question around which our vision, discipline, passion and conscience will converge is this: What do we really want for our family and our children?

Get a group of 20 parents together, ask this question, and you will discover that what parents really want for their children is this: Parents want their children to have certain time-tested aspects of character that will help children be resilient to whatever circumstances they find themselves, at any time in their lives.

What are these character traits we want for our children?

To have the ability to enjoy life; to value themselves; to be risk takers; to be self reliant; to be free from stress and anxiety; to have loving, peaceful lives; to celebrate their present moments; to experience a lifetime of wellness; to be creative; and to fulfill their higher needs and to feel a sense of purpose.

To get what we really want, sometimes we have to think differently.

For Rebecca in her growing up years, Saturday mornings had been family house-cleaning and chore time followed by a family outing. With fondness, Rebecca had continued this tradition with her own children. Resentment, though, was running high because her twin ten-year-old boys wanted to be on swim team, which required Saturday morning practices and meets, as well as money. Rebecca's answer to the boys' request was a flat out, "No." Her husband, John, didn't want to discuss the situation with her.

When the tension in the family became too high because of Rebecca's resistance to the boys' continued insistence to join swim team, Rebecca luckily had a leadership realization. Rebecca saw that she was trying to manage her sons, instead of leading them to see their worth and potential.

Rebecca and John called a family meeting to discuss the swim team problem. Rebecca started, "Your dad and I see that you really want to be on swim team, but we are not willing to give up important family time. We'd like to see what ideas we can come up with as a family so that we can have all our needs met." After a discussion of several solutions, the family chose to do a two-month trial of changing the Saturday morning chores to Thursday night in order for Saturdays to be free for swimming. Family outing time was scheduled for Saturday afternoons.

When Rebecca made the decision to be open to new ideas from her sons, and not focus as much on controlling the schedule and managing details, a win-win solution emerged.

Rebecca and her family found that discussing and making small adjustments helped create the family they envisioned—each member helping each other discover their worth and potential.

Next week: Leaders Grow

About Kids Talk™

About Maren Schmidt

Maren Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

25877 East Bright Avenue

Welches, OR 97067

503.550.3143

maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

The Best Test of Leadership

2012-01-28T08:00:00.002-06:00

As we enter 2012, a year for our presidential election, we will be deluged with daily details about various candidates for a variety of offices. Our minds may turn to the idea of leadership, or the lack of leadership, as the case may be.

The reality of leadership is that it begins within the individual, and that means you. And me. Yes, you—the person in the mirror. That's where the buck truly stops, and leadership truly begins. This could be a discomforting thought, or it could be a first step towards personal freedom and more.

Leadership lies not in the heart of any particular organization or political persuasion, but instead emerges from the core of each individual. Leadership corresponds to personal passion and empowering others to find their own purpose.

Thankfully, leadership is not dependent on a body of elected officials or other organizations. Leadership resides in the individual choosing and endeavoring to follow a path that aligns principles, values, and the needs of others.

Leadership is not a contained global vision. Leaders use their individuality and imaginations to envision a common goal and find a path for others to follow.

Leadership cannot be found in a pep rally. It emerges not from frenzied hurrahs but from an individual conscience desiring to model a life well-lived with self-respect and respect for others.

There are many definitions of leadership. Stephen Covey says, "Leadership is communicating to people their worth and potential so clearly that they come to see it in themselves." Peter Drucker said, "The only definition of a leader is someone who has followers." John Maxwell says, "Leadership is influence—nothing more, nothing less." It all begins by leading yourself, seeing your own worth and potential, following your own directives, and influencing your behavior.

Too often the terms leadership and management are used interchangeably. Leadership is about doing the right things. Management is about doing things right. Leadership is about dealing with change. Management is about changing the deal. Leadership chooses where we are going. Management plans when and how we will arrive.

To be effective leaders we must know how to effectively lead and manage. Without leadership, we manage the wrong things. Without management we never move our vision ahead.

As parents and teachers—the leaders of our children—we must instill a vision into our families of each member’s worth and potential. As leaders we must be disciplined and willing to sacrifice for that vision. When times get tough we must take our passion, our discipline and our commitment to see our vision through.

Building family is the best test of leadership.

If we fail our children through lack of leadership, even if we accomplish our goals in other parts of our life, we may find that those achievements never fulfill us in the joyful way that building family does.

Making small adjustments to our daily lives in terms of our vision, passion, discipline and conscience can have payback in ways that will appear amazing in a generation. Building family builds a better world.

Over the next few weeks these Kids Talk columns will focus on the mental, physical, emotional and social aspects of leadership. For the sake of our children, I challenge you to become a leader.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world."

Next week: Leaders Innovate

About Kids Talk™

About Maren Schmidt

Maren Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

25877 East Bright Avenue

Welches, OR 97067

503.550.3143

maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Three Ways to Change Behavior

2012-01-21T08:00:00.002-06:00

"Lisa is so different from Grace. Grace never broke anything when she was this age. Lisa breaks something every day," Meg told me at our playgroup with our one-year olds.

Meg, a long-time friend, was over 30 when she had her first child. Five-year-old Grace lived up to her name. Grace was gentle and content to look at Meg's extensive collection of family crystal and European figurines. Lisa, on the other hand, as soon as she could crawl, banged glass top tables and pulled expensive porcelain off shelves.

Meg and Dave's antique-filled home was being assaulted and devalued daily by Lisa’s antics. Meg perceived it as misbehavior and was becoming increasingly short tempered with Lisa. Grace had not touched things. What was Lisa’s problem?

From information gleaned at a recent parenting class, I shared with Meg the idea of changing our children’s behavior using three maxims: Change our rules, change our environment, and change our attitude.

First, we can change the rules to change behavior. In Meg's case, her rule was "Don't touch mommy's things." Meg might have changed the rule to only touch objects with permission. Meg could have given lessons on how to handle a fragile object or how to look at an object using your eyes only, with your hands clasped firmly behind your back.

Secondly, we can change the environment to change behavior. To most of us, it might be obvious that Meg needed to move her collectibles safely out of reach and get rid of her glasstop tables or put pads on them. Meg hadn't thought of that solution since she had grown up with her mother's extensive collection, and her older daughter hadn’t bothered items.

Thirdly, we can change our attitude about the behavior. Meg had perhaps an unrealistic perception of children and home décor. Meg could decide that some precious objects are going to get broken by children, and not to get upset about it. Or change her attitude to reflect Lisa's behavior as normally curious. Meg might also change her attitude about how a house should look. With small children, we might have to forgo our vision of House Beautiful.

In hopes of giving her a few ideas, I invited Meg over to my house to see our child-friendly changes. Photos and unbreakable art objects were on the lower shelves of our bookcases and end tables. Our glass-topped tables had been removed.

Meg used a combination of these three maxims to change Lisa's behavior. Meg changed the rules by taking time with Lisa and showing her how to handle a delicate object, and how to only look at an object. Instead of "Don't touch," Meg said, "Look."

Meg changed the environment by putting objects out of Lisa's climb and reach zone. Meg moved furniture and added child-friendly accessories of baskets, woodcarvings and quilts, so that Lisa could practice her skill at handling objects carefully.

Meg also changed her attitude. She realized that Lisa was very different from her and needed more exploration, movement and training in order to be comfortable in the house. Meg realized that her relationship with her daughter was more important than her collections, and packed most pieces away.

When Meg changed her rules, her environment and her attitude, Meg and Dave's home became peaceful, and Meg enjoyed her time with Lisa and Grace.

Next time: The Best Test of Leadership

About Kids Talk™

About Maren Schmidt

Maren Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

25877 East Bright Avenue

Welches, OR 97067

503.550.3143

maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Creating Clear Expectations for Our Children

2011-12-17T08:00:00.001-06:00

"Last night Dustin asked me what rules we had at home. I'm embarrassed to say that I didn't have a ready answer. Dustin told me, 'At school we have these rules, Mommy. Choose your work. Don't touch anybody's work. Work at a rug or table. And put your work away when you're finished.' See, even I can remember them. I'd like to be that clear-cut about behavior at home," Anne said.

Anne, parent of a three-year-old in my classroom, saw the benefits of having clear structure and expectations. Many of us experience difficulty in explaining the boundaries to children, and tend to do so only after becoming angry or upset when a child oversteps an undefined boundary. We can see certain behavior as obvious and never think to set the limits, just as in "Don’t stick beans in your ears." One of my professors said, "Remember that children are new beings on this planet. Explain and be as patient with them as you would with E.T."

Dealing with children (and other people) may feel as frustrating at times as working with creatures from another planet. Much of our annoyance revolves around stating the obvious over and over again. Repetition is how children learn, so it’s not annoying or frustrating to them, and in fact, is necessary.

Clarifying our expectations for behavior can come out of our completing three phrases: 1. This is how I feel. 2. This is what I want. 3. These are the rules.

Making these three lists will lead you to establish boundaries, maintain discipline, teach self-control, instill respect for others, model moral values, and also promote independence and accountability in the child. Did I forget anything?

Anne spent some time over the next week completing these lists. She kept them on the refrigerator and added to them when something came to mind. At the end of the week, her lists looked something like this:

This is how I feel
Grumpy when the house is messy
Angry when Dustin is disrespectful
Tired when I don't have time for myself
Happy when we do things as a family
Frustrated when we run late for school, etc.
Stressed when I worry about money

This is what I want
A happy home
To be kind and loving
To have time to be a mom
To have time to be a wife
To have time to be myself
To raise Dustin to be kind, loving and respectful of others

These are the rules
Be kind. No mean words.
Be ready to go.
Have fun every day.
Stick to our budget.
Put your things away when you're finished.
(Anne liked this school rule.)

Anne shared her list with her husband, Fred, and got his opinion on the clear expectations she was trying to create for Dustin and their family. Fred was concerned that the list was perhaps simplistic, but he was willing to try using these rules to help Dustin see what was important.

Anne discovered that making statements from her list out loud, such as, "I like doing things as a family," or, "I feel grumpy because dinner's late," helped make expected behavior clear. One morning Dustin told his dad, "Try to be home on time for dinner. Mommy gets grumpy when dinner is late."

As Anne told me, "Those three phrases have helped me communicate my expectations for our family. The more I use them, the easier it becomes for all of us to communicate how we want our family life to work."

Happy parenting!

Next week: Three Ways to Change Behavior

About Kids Talk™

About Maren Schmidt

Maren Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

25877 East Bright Avenue

Welches, OR 97067

503.550.3143

maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Providing Structure in the Life of a Child

2011-12-03T08:00:00.006-06:00

Dr. Robert Shaw in his book, The Epidemic, tells us that there are two "emotional vitamins" we can provide for our children: clear structure and clear expectations. How do we go about giving our children these two important items? This week we'll explore how to create a clear structure, and next week we'll look at creating expectations.

Why does a child need clear structure? An environment with transparent organization provides the child with an element of protection--protection from physical and psychological abuse. It also provides a framework of adequate challenges for individual development.

Providing clear structure in our homes and schools involves three basic elements: physical, order and human.

The physical aspect of structure allows a child to know that they have a place of their own to live and work. The physical elements communicate to the child that they belong. Child-sized tables, chairs and activities allow children a certain dignity. Cleanliness, light, fresh air, and temperature also communicate an important sense of place. Movement is allowed, and the consequences of movement are considered. The limits to the child's space are well defined.

The importance of the physical aspect is probably best seen in its absence. A college friend was 6'8". A classroom we meet in had 7-foot ceilings and the standard college student desks. Steve contorted himself into the desks, tried to avoid hitting his head on the door jams and ceiling fans. Steve stooped to write on the chalkboard. To pull off a sweater, Steve bent over so his arms wouldn't hit the ceiling. Our children deal with similar discomforts for many years in an oversized world.

The aspect of order might be summed up as "a place for everything and everything in its place." Order might seem obvious to organized people. Kitchen items in the kitchen. Garage items in the garage. Material is grouped by area and sequence, and areas are defined for different activities. We eat at the table. We do watercolors in the kitchen and not the living room. There is order in each activity. Wash your hands before you eat. Put your napkin on your lap. Carry your plate to the kitchen after you eat. There is order in the sequence of activities. At bedtime we brush our teeth, put on our pajamas, read a story, go to the bathroom, say our prayers, turn off the lights and kiss goodnight. There is order in the life of the group. We go to school and work on Monday through Friday. On Saturdays we run errands and play. On Sunday we go to church and read the color comics. The order must be respected and understood by adults in order to provide an unambiguous organization to the child.

Structure for the child also has a human dimension that includes adults and children. The adult's role in providing structure is to direct the child's activities and to prepare those activities. In these activities, the adult needs to respect the child as a fellow human being. The adult also observes the child's interaction with the world and looks for the aspects of concentration and independence the child exhibits. As adults, we protect the few rules of basic order for the child, and we keep the environment clean and neat. Activities for the child are accessible and are in good working order. We model what it means to be an adult by being careful of our appearance, keeping healthy and rested, along with staying interesting to the child by pursuing our own interests.

The child's role in this structured environment is to self-construct an adult. An amazing feat. We assist the child in providing as unambiguous a system as we can, so that the child can become an adult with an "eye that sees, a soul that feels and a hand that obeys."

Clear structure is a large vitamin to concoct, but worth the time and effort. Creating a well-defined organization for our children will help us avoid a few "pills."

Next Week: Creating Clear Expectations

The Epidemic: The Rot of American Culture, Absentee and Permissive Parenting, and the Resultant Plague of Joyless, Selfish Children

by Robert Shaw by Harper

Hardcover ~ Release Date: 2003-09-23

List Price: $24.95

Our Price: $3.49

Buy Now

About Kids Talk™

About Maren Schmidt

Maren Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

25877 East Bright Avenue

Welches, OR 97067

503.550.3143

maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

The Prepared Environment

2011-11-19T08:00:00.000-06:00

"Pretend that you just found out that you'll have to be in a wheelchair for a year, possibly longer. What adjustment would you have to make to your home to accommodate this change? This week crawl around your house, through every room, and make a list of changes that you would make. That's your homework. See you next week."

Off I went on my hands and knees, antennae up. The things we do as parents. As I crawled, though, I developed some insight into what it might be like to be small and not able to take care of myself.

On the floor, it was not pretty. My kitchen was a dark canyon, with workspace out of reach. Food and dishes were in the upper cabinets. The refrigerator was inaccessible. Unless I tilted my head way back, there was nothing attractive to see. All my favorite art posters looked distorted from this vantage point.

The dining room was a forest of chair legs. The living room was easier to maneuver, but the couches and chairs were impossible to climb into without standing up. The coffee table and end tables were at a dangerous and eye-poking height.

In the bedroom, I couldn't get into bed by myself. I couldn't open my dresser or the closet doors. In the bathroom, I couldn't climb onto the toilet, reach the sink, or easily get into the bathtub, much less adjust the showerhead. I snagged my pants on the transition piece between the bathroom and hallway.

Negotiating the steps to the garage was treacherous. The trip was rough and dusty, and my hands, along with my clothes, got filthy. The stairs off our wood deck were steep and full of splinters.

Dirty. That was my overall impression of crawling around. With weekly cleaning, I considered my home to be tidy. On my four-legged journey, I discovered grimy lower cabinets, crumbs in the corners, fuzz balls, scribbling under the dining room table (which still surprises me to this day) and splattered windows.

The only objects of interest on this expedition were a bowl and magazines on the coffee table. Pictures and mirrors were hung too high to have any esthetic impact. Doorknobs and light switches were unreachable. The floor was cold, and the thermostat might as well been on Mt. Everest. Food and drink were invisible. In my home, I discovered a lowland where I wouldn't want to live. My children were going to spend many years in this land under the table.

Our next parenting session focused on preparing a child-friendly environment. Crawling along four months pregnant with our second daughter opened my eyes about creating a special place for our children. A child-friendly environment would give my children a home where they could live in dignity and tranquility while learning to manage independently on their own, along with having their own space to work and have meaningful experiences. Experiences beyond finding fuzz balls in the corners.

My husband and I moved the dishes in the kitchen to lower cabinets and found a shelf for snacks. We installed a bottled water dispenser, so our toddler could get her own water easily. We put a small table with chairs in our kitchen and set up a low shelf with puzzles, blocks and other activities.

In the living room we removed the sharp-cornered tables and found a Japanese-style square coffee table. We added floor pillows, lowered our artwork, put extenders on our light switches and added interesting touchable items to the room, such as woodcarvings and baskets of dominoes and wooden blocks.

In the bathroom we added a plastic stepstool that our one-year-old could move to wash her hands, and later brush her teeth and reach the toilet.

In the girls' bedroom, we placed a twin mattress on the floor. We bought a light comforter, so Dana could learn to make the bed herself. We removed the closet doors and added lower shelving and rods, so the girls could hang up their own clothes and dress themselves.
Of course, we also childproofed cabinets, electrical outlets and moved the "untouchables" to higher cabinets or closets.

These are a few of the efforts we made to prepare a home for our daughters, now in their twenties and in their own homes. To paraphrase a Zen proverb: The journey of a thousand smiles begins with a single crawl.

Next Week: Providing Structure in the Life of a Child

About Kids Talk™

Kids Talk™ is an award-winning newspaper column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland. She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. Contact her via e-mail at maren@kidstalknews.com. Read column archives at www.KidsTalkNews.com.

About Maren Schmidt

Maren Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

She has over 25 years experience working with children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland. She is author of Building Cathedrals Not Walls: Essays for Parents and Teachers as well as Understanding Montessori: A Guide for Parents.

25877 East Bright Avenue

Welches, OR 97067

503.550.3143

maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Don't Be a Dolt

2011-11-05T08:00:00.005-05:00

"I can't tell you 'cause you're a dolt." Kenny said through his sniffles.

"A dolt?" I thought. What did I do to be called a dolt by a kindergartner in my Sunday school class? I took a deep breath and ventured into unknown territory.

"Kenny, what do you mean, a dolt?"

"You know, a grown-up."

"Oh, I see. An adult." That was a relief.

"Mike said if I told a dolt, it would be tattling, and then he'd really pinch me."

Our Sunday school group was walking back from the Children's Sermon portion of the service when Kenny had burst into tears. Kenny and I were talking in the hallway while my co-teacher took the rest of the group into our classroom for a snack.

I was down on my knees, eye level with Kenny. This looked like an "active listening" moment.

Active listening is a set of skills that allows adults to help a child handle the child's own problems. Active listening is called for in situations in which the child owns the problem, or in which the child and the adult share responsibility.

The following five skills are involved in active listening:

1. Listen actively. Be all ears, and restate what you understand.

2. Listen for content.

3. Connect feeling to content.

4. Look for alternatives and/or predict consequences.

5. Follow up.

"So you're upset and hurt because Mike pinched you?" I asked.

"He pinches me every Sunday in church. Mike says, 'Bet I can make you squirm.'" Kenny's upper lip quivered.

"Mike is pinching you in church trying to get you to misbehave."

"He's supposed to be my friend," Kenny hiccupped.

"It feels bad when a friend tries to get you to do the wrong thing."

Kenny nodded. "Please don't tell Mike. He said if I tattled he wouldn't be my friend."

"Would you like me to make sure that Mike doesn't sit next to you during the children's sermon?" I asked.

"But he's my friend."

"Is there something else we can try, so he won't bother you?"

Kenny looked straight at me. "I think I need to tell him to stop. That it's not okay to pinch me."

"Would you like me to be there when you tell Mike?"

"No, but I think I'll tell my mom." Kenny wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.

"Kenny, let me know how it goes when you tell Mike that it's not okay to pinch you."

"Okay. I'm ready for cookies." Kenny turned and walked into the room.

Since Kenny and I shared responsibility for his situation, I listened and kept his confidence from Mike. From my end, as an adult, I took the responsibility to make sure that Kenny felt safe. I visited with Kenny's and Mike's mothers about the situation. I mailed Mike a note telling him that friends used their hands to help other people, and I mentioned ways I had seen him help.

Active listening helps keep communication open and can assist us from reacting with some of the following responses:

1. Commanding. "Stop the crying, Kenny."

2. Give advice. "Just don't sit by Mike."

3. Placate or distract. "Go have a cookie--two cookies."

4. Moralize. "I'll tell Mike that is wrong."

5. Use sarcasm. "Aren't you a crybaby."

6. Act like a know-it-all. "Just tell Mike to stop it."

7. Play psychologist. "Mike's having some problems right now."

These kinds of responses can block communication and not help the child learn to solve the problem independently. Don't be a dolt. Practice active listening.

Next week: The Prepared Environment

About Kids Talk™

About Maren Schmidt

Maren Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

25877 East Bright Avenue

Welches, OR 97067

503.550.3143

maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Freedom within Limits of Responsibility

2011-10-15T08:00:00.005-05:00

Freedom and responsibility are linked together. We are free to act when we have the right and also take responsibility. For example, in our society, we have the right to drive a car. We exercise this privilege to drive by taking the responsibility to learn how to drive, get a license, have a car and the financial obligations that ensue. Then, we have the freedom to drive.

Understanding the relationship between freedom and responsibility can be a difficult one. When we are 14, freedom dreams of driving a red Mercedes convertible down the road at 120 mph, the wind flying. By 30, we know exactly the costs of that freedom in terms of responsibility. The freedom to drive our dream car takes significant responsibility.

Exercising our right to drive, by assuming responsibility for that privilege, allows us the freedom to drive. Maybe not a two-door roadster, but the freedom to drive.

In our country, we have many rights. In America, at 16 we have the right to drive a car. We must assume the corresponding responsibilities of taking care of a car, getting a license, driving carefully as to not harm others or ourselves, and be willing to pay if we cause damage.

We have the right. We take the responsibility. We receive the freedom. In mathematical terms: Rights + Responsibilities = Freedoms.

As parents and teachers, we fail our children when we allow them freedoms without requiring the necessary responsibilities to obtain that freedom. When we confuse rights and freedoms, we neglect to teach our children how to obtain and keep freedoms.

As effective parents, we limit the freedoms we give our children, enlarging them as our children develop more responsibility. If a freedom is extended before the corresponding responsibility has been established within the life of a child, we place the child at high risk for failure. If we give children cars before they know how to drive, before they understand the cost of money, before they are aware of how their actions can affect others, we invite failure, expensive accidents, serious injury and death.

We want to assure success for our children. To be responsible we need to help our children learn to "respond with ability." As we observe our children developing abilities, we can offer corresponding freedoms.

For the young child, we limit their freedoms, for example, by not allowing them to go outdoors alone. Once our children show us that they will stay in the yard, wear appropriate clothing, and not endanger themselves by climbing the fence, etc., then we might enlarge their freedoms to include going outside by themselves with our permission.

As the child over the age of six begins to explore the world around him, the issues of freedom and responsibility are many times at the core of power struggles; the child desires a freedom, but lacks the responsible skills to be able to have the freedom. By teaching the skills necessary for the freedom, we can help the child. In other cases, the child might be responsible and we do not allow the freedom, because we consider the child too young. A power struggle ensues. Conflict is created by not allowing responsibility and freedom to follow each other.

For the adolescent, there are times when a freedom has been granted and the responsibility is shrugged. For example there may be a teenager who has earned the freedom to drive the car but gets a speeding ticket or leaves the gas tank empty. The freedom has to be taken away and then re-earned.

The consequence of neglecting a responsibility should correspond to the freedom that flows from it. The freedom to have friends over to spend the night might correspond to the responsibility to help with household chores, or getting schoolwork completed.
The freedom to play with your toys comes from playing with them safely and properly or putting them away correctly.

The freedom to have dessert comes from helping with dinner, brushing your teeth without being told, or eating for proper nutrition.

The freedom to go to a movie comes from taking care of your chores, being respectful of others.

If you are in conflict with your child over desired freedoms, determine if responsibilities match the freedoms requested. If not, sit down and plan with your child (even a three-year-old) how to develop responsibilities that lead to freedom.

Freedom is limited by the ability to respond to a right or privilege. Wise parents limit and give freedom based on the observable abilities of their children. When we understand rights, responsibilities and freedoms, our children will learn to respond with ability, earning freedoms that lead to independence.

Next week: Don't Be a Dolt

About Kids Talk™

About Maren Schmidt

Maren Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

25877 East Bright Avenue

Welches, OR 97067

503.550.3143

maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Be Friendly with Error

2011-10-01T08:00:00.003-05:00

Nicholas, a cheerful three-year-old, had cried every day at snack time for a week. Because he had spilt a pitcher of water on the snack table, Nicholas refused to try to pour himself a drink of water. Efforts to encourage Nicholas to pour an eight-ounce pitcher were met with tears. "I can't. I'll spill and make a mess, and everybody will be mad at me."

Pouring water in a Montessori classroom is a critical skill because so many other lessons involve water or pouring, such as hand washing, table washing, and cloth washing, to name a few. Nicholas had such a fear of failure at pouring, that I didn't know how to get him over this obstacle.

In the middle of the night, when most inspiration seems to arrive, I had an idea. The next morning, I told my classroom assistant that I was going to give a cloth-washing lesson and in the process "accidentally" spill a large pitcher of water. Could she encourage children to set up away from my presentation area to avoid more chaos than necessary?

During the lesson to an older student, I "tripped," and a half-gallon of water rushed over the hardwood floors. "Oops," I laughed, surveying the water. "It's okay. I will clean it up. It's just water."

To my surprise, Nicholas arrived, mop in hand, asking if he could help me.

"That would be lovely," I replied.

Nicholas and I mopped and dried the floor, checking that every drop was gone, so our friends wouldn't slip on a wet floor. We laughed and sang, "...down came the rain and washed the spider out. Out came Nicholas to dry up all the rain..."

"When a big person spills, it's a big spill," I joked with Nicholas.

Mike, a four-year-old walked up and said, "See, Nicholas, I told you it's okay to make a mistake at school." Nicholas broke into a wide grin and turned to put the mop away.

Later that morning, Nicholas came to me. "Ms. Maren, did you spill that water just for me?"

"What do you mean, Nicholas?"

"Did you spill it to make me feel better?"

Now it was my turn to feel as though a bucket of water had just dumped over my head, like in the old 70's Laugh-In Show. Sock-it-to-me. I thought I was a better actress that that. I imagined myself to be more convincing to a three-year-old.

"Thank you, Ms. Maren. I'm not scared to pour anymore." Nicholas gave me a hug.

"You're welcome, Nicholas." I took a deep breath.

Thank you, I thought, for helping me remember to be friendly with error.

Next week: Freedom within Limits of Responsibility

About Kids Talk™

About Maren Schmidt

Maren Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

25877 East Bright Avenue

Welches, OR 97067

503.550.3143

maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

In Service to the Child

2011-09-17T08:00:00.005-05:00

When you help a child climb the tree, everyone enjoys the fruit.
-Nankani Proverb

What do we expect when we patronize a restaurant? Tasty food, cheerful wait staff, good cost/price performance, timely delivery and, of course, not to go away hungry.

Our decision making process is based on factors of price, timeliness, quality of relationships and product delivered. Our expectations at a fast-food joint differ from those for a five-star restaurant but are based on similar criteria. We don't expect cherries jubilee at a taco place. If our food was wrapped in paper at Chez Louie, we might be irate. Also, we'd never ask to purchase shoes at a restaurant. We select a business to meet specific needs or desires.

When a business tries to be everything to everybody, or everything to a few people, it is apt to fail. A solitary business would struggle to meet every need and desire of every customer. Responding to overly demanding customers can cause a business to lose focus, neglect clients and ultimately fail.

So, the business of being parents, teachers and caretakers is much like that of any business. Our business is to serve the child or to help the child, in Dr. Montessori's words, "become a complete human being, able to exercise in freedom a self-disciplined will and judgment, unperverted by prejudice and undistorted by fear."

Things can start to go wrong in our business as parents and caregivers when, in a misconstrued sense of service, we try to meet every need and whim of a child. Instead of assisting a child's developmental needs, we inadvertently train them to be over demanding and unrealistic not-yet human beings.

Children's basic needs are to become a person engaged in their time and place, and to construct themselves as human beings who will be of service to others. Becoming a person of your time and place has as many variations as people on this planet.

As parents, teachers and caretakers, we offer a service to our children to meet their needs in order for them to become fully functioning adults. It's a role we fill, much like the service a restaurant offers. Adults work to meet the child's fundamental needs of food, clothing, shelter, loving relationships, along with human development and learning needs, using available resources.

A successful restaurant doesn't have to meet the impractical whims of every customer. A winning business offers a good product, cheerfully, in a timely manner, at a price the customer can afford, with a desire for repeat business and a long-term relationship.

To serve our children, we need, as adults, to act like a successful business. We cheerfully attend to a child's genuine needs with the resources we have available in our culture, based on our personal values. We will serve our children well by being the adult we want our children to become.

Next Week: Being Friendly with Error

About Kids Talk™

About Maren Schmidt

Maren Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

25877 East Bright Avenue

Welches, OR 97067

503.550.3143

maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Oxygen for Brain Development

2011-09-03T08:00:00.007-05:00

Sometimes a simple and effective solution is right in front of us.

Our bodies are 65 percent water. Our brains are 75 percent water. Water, H₂O, is made from two atoms of hydrogen and one of oxygen. Our brain needs oxygen and water for optimum brain functioning. To help our brains be their best, what do we need to do? Drink lots of water and breathe efficiently. Pretty simple, right?

Dr. Phil McGraw, in Family First, writes that one of the most efficient and effective ways for stimulating brain function is breathing. No drugs necessary. To help focus and recall skills, Dr. Phil recommends inhaling for a count of five and exhaling for a count of five. Take six breaths, which should only take a minute. Dr. Phil recommends doing this easy breathing exercise when under stress or before and during tests. Take a minute every day to practice with your child so that efficient and effective breathing becomes a habit and a behavior management tool for all your family members.

Dr. Carla Hannaford, in her book Smart Moves, outlines the importance of adequate water intake, deep breathing and movement for learning. As a school counselor, Dr. Hannaford, a neuro-biologist, found that a two-minute breathing exercise helps students gain control over their emotions and focus on the tasks at hand. Getting adequate oxygen to the brain is a critical component of brain development. Since our bodies are 65 percent water, even a small level of dehydration can impair function. Carbonated and caffeinated beverages act as diuretics and do not re-hydrate our bodies. The best drink for hydration? Earth juice, aka water.

Many airplane pilots monitor their blood oxygen levels by use of a fingertip monitor. To avoid accidents, additional oxygen is required by the Federal Aeronautics Administration FAA on any flights above 15,000 feet of altitude. At 15,000 feet a pilot has only 30 minutes of effective performance time. At 25,000 feet, the effective performance time drops to three to five minutes, and at 40,000 feet it is only 15 to 20 seconds. When body oxygen levels drop, decision making abilities are diminished and reaction time is slower. Also, headaches and muscle aches are a common side effect of oxygen deprivation.

We don’t have to be flying in an airplane to become oxygen-deprived. When we are under stress, breathing becomes shallower and less oxygen gets into our bloodstream. Making sure we drink enough water and are breathing effectively can help counteract the effects of stress.

Movement and exercise are important for the oxygen it brings to the body and the brain. The saying “Feeling down, move around,” also helps us to remember that when we are feeling sluggish and unfocused, moving around, and thus increasing our oxygen intake will help us feel better quickly. At a brain development lecture, Alexander Stephens, assistant Professor of Behavioral Neuroscience at the Oregon Heath and Sciences University, asked the audience to stand up and play a game. Standing up with slight movement for less than a minute helped the audience pay better attention by getting some additional oxygen to our brains.

To ensure the brain has adequate oxygen for optimum performance, drink six to eight cups of water a day, breathe deeply and move around. It can be that simple.

Next week: In Service to the Child

Family First: Your Step-by-Step Plan for Creating a Phenomenal Family

by Dr. Phil McGraw by Free Press

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Smart Moves: Why Learning Is Not All in Your Head

by Carla Hannaford Ph.D. by Great River Books

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About Kids Talk™

About Maren Schmidt

Maren Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

25877 East Bright Avenue

Welches, OR 97067

503.550.3143

maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

The Power of Touch

2011-08-20T08:00:00.005-05:00

We all need a certain amount of attention from others to thrive and survive. The late Virginia Satir, a family therapist, said that we need four hugs a day to survive, eight hugs per day to stay at a strong emotional level and twelve a day to grow.

Unfortunately in our busy world, the time to hug and be hugged seems to be in short supply. Kids are funny in a strange kind of way. Children will do whatever is necessary to get the attention they need to survive. They’ll get our attention, either positively or negatively, by either constructive or antagonistic actions. In their unconscious need for attention, I’ve seen siblings fighting and name calling, in a contest for their parents’ attention. Having mom or dad yell at you, spank you, or send you to your room fulfills a deep need for attention, in a powerful, yet negative way.

Growing up, my mom would sit down after we got in from school and have a snack with the five of us for about thirty minutes. She would listen intently about our day. After I left home and visited, I would marvel at how my mom could sit and listen to my brothers and sisters.

“How do you listen to all their stuff, day after day?” I asked her.

“I know if I don’t do it, all types of chaos and craziness will ensue by bedtime. Half an hour of focused time now, and everybody can have peace and quiet.”

I began to notice that the days when my mother was not available for after school time, my siblings were more prone to quarreling and dramatic outbursts. I’ve also observed this with my own children. For the children in my classroom, a little one-on-one teacher time was helpful when I knew that parents were out of town.

A parent or other caring adult’s attention is a powerful calming agent for children. When children don’t receive the attention they need, equivalent to four to twelve hugs a day, they’ll find a way, mischievous or not, to get it.

Small parenting gestures, such as hugs, pats, smiles, sitting on laps, sitting next to one another, playing games, singing, brushing hair, or back rubs, can communicate a lot of attention in a very short time. If a picture is worth a thousand words, then a loving touch is worth a thousand kind words.

Sherrie, mother to 16-year-old Liz, came to study group with an uncharacteristic cloud over her head. “Liz and I seem to be at loggerheads. She comes in from ballet practice every night so grumpy and nasty. I know it’s tough trying to do everything she’s doing, but I seem to be the target of all her anger.”

“Rub her feet,” said Bobbie, the grandmother in our group. “If you can rub her feet, which is a neutral touch zone for a teen, your touch will communicate how much you care.”

“And dancers love to have their feet rubbed,” Sherrie agreed.

Two days later Sherrie reported success with her touch therapy with Liz. “Liz actually smiled at me. After about five minutes, she started telling me what was going on with her. Last night she ask me to rub her feet and we had the best conversation ever.”

Kids will find a way to get your attention either with a warm fuzzy or a cold prickly. Using positive touch to communicate your attention can yield powerful results. Hug, pat or massage your child each day to use the power of touch to communicate your caring and to create a relationship built on positive interactions. Best of all, it doesn’t cost a thing. Low fat and no calories, too.

Next week: Oxygen for Brain Development

About Kids Talk™

About Maren Schmidt

Maren Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

25877 East Bright Avenue

Welches, OR 97067

503.550.3143

maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Essential Math Skills for Life

2011-08-06T08:00:00.004-05:00

As a six-year-old, mom would send me off walking for milk, eggs or bread to the mom-and-pop grocery six blocks away. These shopping errands were big math builders for me. For half a mile I had to keep in mind that a loaf of bread and a carton of eggs were 59 cents and the change would be 41 cents. What a difference forty years (and change) makes.

As I watch in the stores, our children have few opportunities to see or use money, and to develop the math skills that dealing with money creates. I've worked with many savvy six-year-olds who did not know the difference between a nickel, dime and quarter. To them it was just money. These children had no concrete experience of counting, saving or making purchases with cash since checks, debit and credit cards handled most family purchases. For many children under the age of nine, $37.62 is an abstract idea with no concrete, hands-on experience.

Fourth grade seems to be the point where lack of math concepts becomes a stumbling block. Having tutored math through college algebra, I can share a few fundamental concepts that struggling students of all ages have lacked. Understanding place value, the decimal system, the four basic math operations, fractions, along with telling time, are common missing math skills.

Place value and the decimal system are concepts that can be easily shown and understood before the age of six. A lot of math frustration can be prevented with the knowledge that our number system is built on groups of ten items. We count in units, whether the units are pennies, dollars, minutes or eggs. The unit is the building block of any number system. Calling units "ones" can create confusion for some people trying to understand the difference between numerals and how numbers work in place value. Our number system, the decimal system, is based on groups of ten starting with the unit. When we have ten units, we can exchange them for a new group containing ten units called "tens." Ten units make a ten. Ten tens make a hundred. Ten hundreds make a thousand. When we write a ten, 10, it represents an amount that has one group of tens in the tens' place and no units in the units' place. 100 represents one hundred, no tens, and no units. Pennies, dimes and dollars are examples of units, tens and hundreds. Using money with children can help develop a firm understanding of place value. Ten pennies can be exchanged for a dime. Ten dimes make a dollar. Ten dollars make a ten-dollar bill. Using money as a manipulative, children at the ages of five, six and seven, can easily add, subtract, multiply and divide three and four digit numbers, such as $17.59 + $5.97.

Understanding how to use the four basic math operations in story problems and real-life circumstances is another math obstacle. Knowing there are only four basic math operations--addition, subtraction, multiplication and division (yes, even in algebra)-ends much confusion. Again, using money for a hands-on teaching tool helps children see how the math operations work.

Fractions can be a challenge. Measuring with a ruler or tape measure and cooking with measuring cups help give fractions real life meaning. Basic math operations with fractions come easily when the decimal system and place value are understood first by using money.

Telling time on an analog clock (with hands) is an overlooked skill that is important to geometry, the study of angles and finding direction. A private pilot friend told me the hardest part of learning to fly was getting a quick picture in his mind when the instructor said "Plane at your two o'clock." Use money to help your preschooler become proficient in the important math concepts of the decimal system and place value. (Please note: Use pennies, dimes and dollars first. Introduce nickels, quarters, half dollars and five dollars later.) Make up money story problems using three and four digit numbers and the four math operations. Use measuring cups, rulers and measuring tapes. Have a clock with hands in your kitchen. Make math real and hands-on for your child and number work will be fun for life.

Next week: The Power of Touch

About Kids Talk™
Kids Talk™ is an award-winning newspaper column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland. She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. Contact her via e-mail at maren@kidstalknews.com. Read column archives at www.KidsTalkNews.com.

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About Maren Schmidt

Maren Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

©2011 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Help Your Child with Brain Gym

2011-07-16T08:00:00.004-05:00

"Floyd acts as if he's missing part of his brain," my grandmother commented on the behavior of a neighbor. Recent discoveries from neuroscientists let us know that when certain parts of the brain do not communicate effectively, it may appear that someone has "lost" their mind.

As a Montessori teacher, I've had the privilege of having students for three years in a multi-age classroom. Even with repetitious and consistent instruction, there are children who don't seem to "get" a skill. Keeping their hands off other people or other people's work, sitting quietly through a story or prayer, flushing the toilet, letter and number recognition, are only few examples. I'd show them, remind them, and repeat lessons for years, but still certain preschool children ld lacked expected skills and knowledge. I've been exasperated, along with parents, about why students didn't learn what had been taught, retaught and modeled. Then I learned about educational kinesiology at a summer conference.

In Smart Moves, Carla Hannaford, Ph.D., explains that learning occurs not only in the brain. Learning is dependent on movement, not just for the young child who is in a sensitive period for movement, but for all of us. Hannaford, a neurobiologist and professor of biology at the University of Hawaii, began working with children labeled as learning disabled in 1986. Using a program called Brain Gym, developed by Paul and Gail Dennison, Hannaford obtained amazing results. One of her students, ten-year-old Amy, could not read or speak in full sentences at the beginning of the year. With a daily five minutes of Brain Gym, along with playing soccer at recess, Amy ended the year at grade level in reading and was communicating effectively. Furthermore, every child that was involved with Brain Gym demonstrated increased ability in weak learning areas.

Brain Gym involves simple exercises that re-pattern neural networks in the brain through movement. These neural networks link both sides of the brain to help whole brain function and communication. There are four basic exercises, called PACE for Positive, Active, Clear and Energetic learning, taking about five minutes. Hannaford recommends doing them three times a day.

The four Brain Gym exercises are drinking water, Brain Buttons, Cross Crawl and Hook-Up. Having enough water in our bodies is critical for successful learning. The other exercises involve cross-lateral, fine motor movements that activate and balance muscles on both sides of the body.

Six weeks after using Brain Gym in my elementary class of six- to nine-year-olds, I observed major changes. Students who had difficulty sitting through a story were now asking for another chapter. Students with poor penmanship had legible writing. One student's math phobia disappeared, and math became "fun." The class clown started self-regulating his behavior by doing Brain Gym when he felt himself "get out of control."

With Brain Gym I saw excitement and confidence as children unconsciously developed a skill that had been difficult. Many organizations, from preschools to corporations, from sports teams to nursing homes, have discovered the benefits of using Brain Gym, by helping people's brains connect the "missing parts."

For more information about Brain Gym, visit www.braingym.org.

Next week: Essential Math Skills for Preschoolers

Smart Moves: Why Learning Is Not All in Your Head

by Carla Hannaford Ph.D. by Great River Books

Paperback ~ Release Date: 2007-09-18

List Price: $17.95

Our Price: $10.08

Buy Now

About Kids Talk™
Kids Talk™ is an award-winning newspaper column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland. She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. Contact her via e-mail at maren@kidstalknews.com. Read column archives at www.KidsTalkNews.com.

About Maren Schmidt

Maren Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

©2011 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Liberty, Freedom and Responsibility

2011-07-02T08:00:00.002-05:00

"Freedom is not the last word. Freedom is only part of the story and half of the truth. Freedom is but the negative aspect of the whole phenomenon whose positive aspect is responsibleness. In fact, freedom is in danger of degenerating into mere arbitrariness unless it is lived in terms of responsibleness. That is why I recommend that the Statue of Liberty on the East Coast be supplemented with a Statue of Responsibility on the West Coast."

--Victor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Liberty. An intriguing word, coming from the Latin word "liber" which is the bark of a tree that was used for writing. The word for read in Latin is "liber;" the word for book is "libre." Liberty, library, literacy all connect back to the bark of a tree.

In ancient Rome, the test of whether a person was a freeman or a slave, was determined if the person could read or write. In many cultures teaching a slave to read was punishable by death. Freedom from slavery and having the rights of a citizen depended on one's ability to read and write.

Years ago, I worked on learning Russian for about six months. As happens, life intervened, and when I came back to it, it all looked like funny Greek letters, again. It was a humbling experience. This voracious reader couldn't remember the Russian alphabet.

Perusing National Geographic magazines, I notice signs in a multitude of languages, such as Chinese, Japanese, Korean, and Arabic. Unable to decipher a word, I realize that in those cultures, I am illiterate. There, I would be less than a first-class citizen. I would be subject to being unemployed, or victimized due to my inability to use the language fluently. Unable to read and write, I would lose many freedoms. In a new culture it would be important to exercise my right to learn to read and write, and regain those freedoms.

Today in America, according to the National Center for Education Statistics, there are more than 90 million adults who cannot read well enough to understand this article, which measures at an 8.8 grade level on the Flesch-Kincaid Readability Index.

Today we celebrate our country's Declaration of Independence. "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

With these words, I believe our founding fathers saw every person as having a right to life, a right to learn how to read, which is liberty, and the right to pursue happiness; rights that we as responsible citizens should be constantly debating and protecting in order to safeguard our freedoms.

Liberty is a right. Liberty becomes freedom when we take the responsibility to learn to read and continue to read. Freedom comes from accepting responsibility for having a right. Freedom is earned by exercising a right. Freedom is earned by taking responsibility.

There is no freedom until liberty is joined with responsibility. To remain free, we must read and ensure literacy for everyone. Then freedom can ring, from every mountainside, everywhere for everyone. Our children deserve no less.

Next week: Brain Gym

Man's Search for Meaning

by Viktor E. Frankl by Beacon Press

Paperback ~ Release Date: 2006-06-01

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About Maren Schmidt

Maren Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

©2011 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Understanding Your Child's Artwork

2011-06-18T08:00:00.003-05:00

A visitor gushed over my four-year-old daughter's new and quite abstract painting on our refrigerator. "Oh, what a beautiful painting. It' s the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."

I was pleased that my daughter had remembered to say "Thank you" to a compliment. I thought she would also enjoy the "non-mom" appreciation. After our visitor was gone, my daughter turned to me and said, "That lady sure doesn't know anything about art. I guess she's never been to a museum. It's not the most beautiful picture in the world. It's just a picture I did about trains."

That's the day I learned that a four-year-old can spot a phony compliment. It's also the day that I discovered that blobs and scribbles may actually contain an important story.

"So your picture is about trains. Tell me about it." I ventured. I had been amazed that the picture was about anything. It resembled the drop cloth of a messy house painter.

"This is the train we saw with all the circus animals on it. Here is the yellow engine, and here is the green caboose."

At least six weeks before we had stopped to watch the Ringling Brothers train roll through town. The train had a yellow Santa Fe engine and green Burlington Northern caboose. I hadn't realized she remembered any of it.

"What's the blue here?" I ventured.

"That's the car with the elephants."

On and on she went about the day we saw the circus train. I was delighted by the detail she remembered and had expressed in her painting. I thought of her other "artwork" I had thrown away. So many stories I tossed out because I didn't ask a few questions. I just didn't know.

This incident with my daughter taught me to ask open-ended questions about artwork. Instead of some "Oh, how nice!" compliment, I've learned to approach children's artwork with phrases such as, "Tell me about your picture. What is this red? Tell me about the yellow. What is the blue about?" I also include the famous five questions of who, what, when, where and why. Who was there? What did they do? When did this happen? Where did this happen? Why were you there? These questions have helped me understand the story inside a picture.

With these few questions, I hope you'll discover something new about your child. Splotches of color on a piece of brown craft paper let me experience something that was important to my daughter. With her drawing, she was able to share with me a memory of an important event in her life. Her refrigerator artwork became one of the most beautiful pictures I had ever seen, because I took the time to try to understand the artist.

Next time: Giving Choices

About Kids Talk™
Kids Talk™ is an award-winning newspaper column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland. She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. Contact her via e-mail at maren@kidstalknews.com. Read column archives at www.KidsTalkNews.com.

About Maren Schmidt

Maren Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

©2011 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing

Dealing with Tantrums

2011-06-04T08:00:00.005-05:00

The day that your child turns red then blue while writhing on the floor in an attempt to get his or her way, is a day when you earn perhaps your first parenting medal, "valor under stress."

Joan, a mother of two, related to me her ordeal of a temper tantrum with three-year-old, Robbie.

"It started with such a silly thing. We had told Robbie he couldn't go with his dad to the store after lunch. Robbie spent the next forty-five minutes screaming and crying. Bob finally had enough and said Robbie could go. Bob felt guilty that Robbie had spent all this time upset, when it was supposed to be 'quality' Dad time. But I think Bob shouldn't have given in to Robbie's tantrum."

"I can see how Bob was feeling," I responded. "But Bob violated the Tommy Lee Jones rule."

"What rule is that?"

"It's from a movie, US Marshals, where Tommy Lee Jones' character states, 'I don't negotiate with terrorists.' It works with children, too."

"If Robbie takes you 'hostage' with a tantrum, you can't give in to his demands," I continued. "If you do, Robbie will learn that a tantrum works, and next time he'll be prepared to go a little longer to get his way. A forty-five minute tantrum tells me that this is not the first one."

"You're right," Joan blushed. "Robbie's so different than our easygoing six-year-old. How can we help Robbie?"

Tantrums usually begin before a child is fully verbal. We, as parents, in all fairness, try to meet our children's needs.

Inadvertently we allow tantrums to grow by reinforcing the child's belief that a tantrum is an effective communication tool. When we give in to a tantrum, the child has found a powerful way to get what he wants.

"It's not going to be pleasant to help Robbie stop his tantrums. First you must remember the Tommy Lee Jones Rule and be prepared to ride it out. You must be firm, yet kind."

"Talk with Robbie, and tell him something like this: 'My job is to help you learn how to be happy. When you scream and cry I know I have to help you. When you get upset, I'll ask you to use your words to tell me how you feel. If you can't do that, I'll ask you to go to your room until you can talk to me. If you don't go to your room, I'll walk you in. Do you understand? I love you and want you to learn to be happy.'"

"If Robbie starts to throw a tantrum, kindly remind him about your talk. Remind him to use his words. If Robbie can't calm down, ask him to go to his room until he can talk to you. If he refuses, carry him in, and kindly tell him that he may leave when he feels like talking. Say something like, 'I love you, but you need to learn how deal with your tantrums.'"

"Sometimes, a child will learn that tantrums aren't going to work anymore on the first 'test' of the rule. For others it takes a few times. Remember, don't be held hostage."

Joan and Bob were successful at communicating to Robbie about their expectations for his behavior, and they didn't negotiate. Robbie's tantrums ended.

If tantrums continue, keep a written record of when and why they occur. A pattern should appear according to time, place and situation. Tiredness, hunger, a parent being gone or over stimulation may be "trigger" factors that will become evident.
Tantrums can become a learned behavior to control others.

Unfortunately, we all know adults who use tantrums to get their way. As a friend of mine says, "It's not pretty." Perhaps imagining our child in a tantrum at age thirty may help us have that right amount of firmness, kindness and courage.

Next week: Understanding Your Child's Artwork

About Kids Talk™
Kids Talk™ is an award-winning newspaper column dealing with early childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland. She has over 25 years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. Contact her via e-mail at maren@kidstalknews.com. Read column archives at www.KidsTalkNews.com.

About Maren Schmidt

Maren Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

©2011 KIDS TALK™
25877 East Bright Avenue
Welches, OR 97067
503.550.3143
maren@kidstalknews.com

Kids Talk is published in conjunction with Scribe Marketing